Tuesday, December 14, 2010

2010 - the Adjustment Year

And boy am I glad it's over. Not that I expect to be magically well adjusted on January 1st. But I feel certain there's significant and much needed stability coming my way.

Let me back up to this time last year. Mike, the soon to be ex-husband and I, had made the painful decision in therapy to preserve the relationship but end the marriage. But people didn't know yet. And we were working quietly behind the scenes to prepare ourselves and the children for our new reality. It was awful. So many things about divorce are painful. It seems a little ridiculous to point that out. Anyway, in February Mike moved into his own apartment near our home and the "forever house" went on the market. And I have spent this year pretty much in limbo. Deconstructing a well constructed very intentional life.

The worst parts? Becoming a single Mom with 85% custody of the kids = substantial reduction in free time + constant fatigue. Maintaining a nearly immaculate, show ready, depersonalized home for sale in a tough market. Adjusting to a new slimmer budget (that I thought was already frugal - ha!). Giving away or selling two thirds of my possessions. Packing up a 4 story 6 bedroom house and moving it to a 1 story 3 bedroom house. Moving and working over my 40th birthday weekend which I didn't have time to really celebrate or feel anything but lousy about. And I love birthdays! Selling a beautiful home I loved that I thought I would live in "forever". Learning a new job/career. Growing pains in therapy (who am I? what do I want? what do I need? how did I get here?). Taking my already semi-pro worrying about the kids to PROFESSIONAL heights.

But that's the lemons. And I'm a lemonade maker.

The best parts? The help and support I receive from friends and family and qualified professionals looking out for the best interests of our now re-organized family. The smooth and amicable environment of the collaborative divorce process. The lessons learned in therapy from all those growing pains. The knowledge that life isn't perfect, neither am I, and I can weather a storm. Grief comes in waves and never lasts too long. I no longer need to fear the sadness and the heartache - that too won't last forever. A new sense of self that is more realistic. A new view and pride in myself as a mother. A significantly enriched relationship with my kids. A new romance with an amazing man who was a friend for years.

I'm going to be OK. The kids are going to be OK. I will be "divorced" for the duration of my lifetime. And the kids will have "divorced parents" for the duration of theirs. I'd be a fool to suggest our learning is done. This is a journey with twists and turns and constant challenges changes and adjustments. But we're laying the foundation for emotional strength and endurance to make it through with grace, humor and as much joy as possible.

And of course we're still having fun in spite of it all. Just look at some snapshots from our year!




































































































































I am blessed to know and love and be loved by many wonderful people. And the support and encouragement I've received from friends far and wide has been profound. You can't imagine how much a "thinking of you" email, voicemail, text, or FB shout out keeps me afloat. Thank you to everyone, truly, but there are a few special people who deserve public recognition, for going above and beyond. My two therapists at The Family Institute - my own, Lisa Gordon, and the kid's, Aryn Froum. These two women are gentle and kind in nature and giants in their ability to help, encourage, nurture and instruct. Beth Fawver McCormack, my attorney, who guides me so reassuringly through this process. (Have you ever heard someone thank their lawyer in a Christmas letter? She's that wonderful!) Kim Tackitt Clark, my amazing and incredible sister-in-law who came to help me pack and move. It literally would not have happened without her. That she was also so sweet and fun and made the whole thing bearable is a gift I can't repay. Anne Ryan, my fellow carpool Mom, who makes sure the day to day operations run smoothly. And the patient listening ears and company of dear friends Mia McCullough, Molly Lyons, Sean Paraventi, Amelia Lorenz, Sarah Smyth, Lynn Thee, Amy Wells, Tracey Cobb, Kate Huston, Laura Grubb, Sammy Buck, Molly & Bill Kelly, Deborah Barr, Michelle Palumbo, my parents and the entire Clark family.

A HUGE amount of love to my Facebook community - Facebook has kept me sane and provided me with much needed diversion and delight on a daily basis. (What? Are you seriously not on Facebook yet? Join the party!)

Special recognition must be paid to The Betty. Who is available at a moment's notice whenever I need. Who fills in as the 4th when the Family of Three just feels too lonely and hard. Who loves and plays with my children as if they were her own. And loves and cares for me like a sister. And to the dreamy Dr. Andy who has always been there for me and my kids ever since I became a Mom. But is now a shining star in our personal lives. He's done a lot of the "boy jobs" around both houses. And has given me the courage to love again and to feel joy. I feed off his positive energy and enthusiasm and I'm grateful for him every day.

And of course, the kids.


Collin at age 8 is discovering his silly side. He's all about jokes and comics and attempting goofy tricks and making up funny songs. It's a fun age!

Sadie at age 5 is eating up school. Just loves to learn and read and write and draw. She continues to be a very passionate girl and I'm amazed at her beyond-her-years ability to know and name her feelings.


They've both been courageous and flexible. It's been an emotional time for all of us of course. But I'm buoyed by their resiliency and their sweet hearts. I have incredible kids. They have quirks, and they are challenging in their own ways, but they are extraordinary little people.


And my life is so blessed because I'm their Mom.

Many blessings to you and yours from the three of us.
xoxo

2 comments:

Angela J Reeves said...

I love the photos, many of which I don't remember seeing before - thank you for sharing those!

And thank you, too, for opening yourself to learning and growing this year. Remaining open to being the person you want to be, even though your life doesn't look the way you thought it was going to look.

Much much love

Darcie said...

Thank you so much for sharing this very touching and personal journey with us. Your strength and your outlook on everything is very inspiring to me Emi. I love how you are so honest and upfront and admit that it hasn't always been easy, but you are all just doing the best you can and trying to make the most of what you do have, each other:) I think selling the house would be so difficult. I understand exactly how you must have felt. Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect it to, and I am so glad that you received the love and support you needed during this very difficult time. Again, thank you for sharing Emi. I enjoyed the pictures too! Happy Holidays. I know 2011 is going to be a better year for your family!!